Arrgh.

I said depression was a bitch before, it still is. Life was so much easier when I could just eat my feelings, but then it wasn’t so much easier at 336 lbs. I tried volunteering to focus on something other than myself. I tried getting more sunlight & exercise. I probably need some medication.

The habits create the depression and the depression creates the habits and then we’re in a downward spiral. The whole point of Project Kassandra was to create the life I wanted but it’s so hard to stay focused on that when I can’t get off the couch. Managed to drag myself out on a walk to at least get some exercise and close my watch rings. And I know I’m not supposed to use food for comfort but I ordered $200 worth from a fancy steakhouse on Door Dash in a ” treat yo’ self ” moment – which, being a fancy steakhouse, was not as much food as you’d think (still a lot) and all of it Atkins-friendly, in fact they gave me bread I did not ask for and it went right in the trash before I even sat down to eat.

I know habits can be broken. There has to be a way to drag myself out of this. I told a friend I was struggling and got pretty much no help so….

The truth is I don’t even think I’m really depressed. I’m just lonely. But I don’t know how to fix that. I’ve reached out to people and got nothing back. Because of the pandemic I don’t have any options to go out & find an activity to make new friends. Even if I did, my self-esteem is so in the toilet even I don’t want to be friends with me. So I’m stuck here, feeling very sorry for myself and binge-watching the Flash on Netflix & wishing I had super speed or was a fancy scientist with other nerdy scientist friends.