Woke up in a serious funk today – I didn’t go ride yesterday, scale was up 1.6 lbs for no reason, woke up at 4 but didn’t get out of bed until 5 so I had to rush to the gym, didn’t have time to hot tub/steam room after my workout….woe is me! As I was driving to the gym I thought to myself, I should just cancel this trip to Spain, there’s no point in thinking I’ll be able to go.

After the gym & my first two work meetings, I feel a little better. There’s still over 6 months until October, no point in making any decisions now. If I keep consistent with workouts & diet, I’ll be in a better place in October even if it’s not where I would prefer to be, and I always knew there was a chance Spain would have to be pushed out (I have only booked the plane ticket, not the actual time at the school.) I should also mention I really liked today’s workout – it was HITT on the Airdyne bike (which is the only piece of cardio equipment I really like using) and then arms, which are always my favorite thing to work out because I’ve always wanted really huge, buff arms. I’ve been struggling with the thought lately that what I would really like to do is go back to a muscle-building workout like Centr Power, say “Fuck the scale”, and just try to put on as much muscle as I can. But I can’t do that to Griffy – I feel like I’m already too heavy to ride him, although no one has said that to me. I would feel much better about it if I was 220-230 vs. in the 260’s, so I have to focus on losing weight first.

Of course none of that really matters if I don’t get to ride him. I’ve been having an issue where at 4pm, I get SO TIRED. Having a snack doesn’t help, caffeine doesn’t help, I just lay on the couch and dick around on my phone, berating myself for not getting up & going to the barn. For the longest time I was thinking it’s because I get up so early to work out – until I didn’t go to the gym in the morning for two weeks and was STILL tired in the afternoon! And annoyingly, I totally perk up at 7:30 (when it’s too late to go.) From 7:30-9 I am full of energy, which is INFURIATING because then I can’t get myself to go to bed on time. Today I’m going to try something new, which is no caffeine until 3pm. I’m hoping that will jolt my system or at least prevent me from crashing SO hard. Now that I’m thinking about it, I suspect another problem is that I like to take a break at 4pm since work is over, and I don’t feel like I have to rush to the barn since it’s light until 8pm. But probably lying down on the couch at 4 is making it so hard for me to get up again. I think today I will try to head to the barn right after work.