What a freaking day/week/month/etc.

I really need to go to bed, but I wanted to write this down while it’s still fresh. Today was my first day in my new office, and it was great! It was really nice to be around people again! And also exhausting! I thought I would go to the barn tonight but omg. I didn’t get home until 7, had to do some more work, and at 8:30 finally accepted I was in for the night.

Being in the office surrounded by treats, and ordering lunch without a lot of health options (but there were some so I’m taking ownership of the fact that I chose poorly), and then finding that our building has a TINY BODEGA THAT SELLS SNACKS OMG, I made some poor food choices. I left work late, stressed, tired, emotionally wrung out from being around people all day, and I have not taken Vyvanse for 3 weeks. You know what that means – BINGE.

I had to stop by Target and I was ready. Two kinds of potato salad! Donut flavored ice cream! Chef Boyardee Ravioli! I walked around the store trying to remember what else I needed before I checked out, looking normal on the outside but having a raging battle on the inside:

“You know, you don’t have to do this.”

“FUCK YOU. I WANT TO.”

“Ok, ok. I’m just saying, you’ll be really sad when you step on the scale tomorrow.”

“WHAT FUCKING DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE. I ATE ALL THAT CHOCOLATE. I’LL ALREADY BE SAD.”
“Sure, sure. But didn’t you think that the way to overcome this is to view each individual meal as a microcosm, an opportunity to make a good choice? Rather than a ‘fuck it’ day?”

“I WILL START DOING THAT TOMORROW. I WANT THIS NOW.”

“Ok, you can do it. It’s ok. But what about Griffy?”

“…I’m not riding him right now anyway. I mean, not today.”

“Right, but you want to on Wednesday.”

“I mean….I really want potato salad.”

“Yeah, that’s cool. Potato salad is good. But hey, remember how you were craving shrimp the other day? You bought those zoodles. Doesn’t Target have frozen shrimp?”

“I….I guess I could do that. It wouldn’t take long to cook.”

I did in fact come home and cooks shrimp and zoodles, and it was absolutely delicious.

It was pretty interesting to feel the ferocity of the desire to binge slowly fade as I talked myself out of it. A sign of progress? Maturity? IDK, but I’m happy either way!

Wow. I just realized why it happened! This was totally a throw back to old habits when I would stay at work late, fully intend to get something healthy ate the store on the way home, then end up binging on fast food. It’s like I almost feel right back into that pattern….I’m even more proud of myself now for not doing it!