I should probably either stop calling these daily standups, or actually do them daily!
So yesterday I was lazy and slept in and didn’t take a Vyvanse and definitely paid the price for it, both in poor eating choices and general energy level. I realized that when I don’t take Vyvanse, my energy level stabilizes, but when I do take it, the days I skip are super low days. Makes sense I guess. I wouldn’t say I felt full on depressed, but definitely blah.

I was thinking about being depressed and why it seems to hit so hard, and I was reading that there is a thing called seasonal depression (Not like SAD which is related to lack of sunlight, but a depression cycle that syncs up with a particular season.) I was remembering being really depressed in August of 2020 and maybe I have that? And then I was thinking about how that was the last time I really lost weight, and then it hit me that the depression comes when I stop using food as an emotional crutch because fucking duh. So it’s not the season so much as it just happens to be that I’ve been working really hard on not emotionally eating and asking myself how much food do I actually need (spoiler alert, I think I need more than I do) and yeah. So, I’m still going to stick with taking Vyvanse every day, and I may eventually look at going back on anti-depressants, AND I’m going to therapy, and it just strikes me that existing as an adult in this world is hard. I just want to be happy and not hate the way I look when I ride my horse and it sucks that it’s so much work to get there.