In her latest book Undomesicated Women (which is awesome and you should definitely read it, and not just because she very briefly mentions Griffy and me) Anna Blake talks about how “no thank you” is never enough. People push past our objections with well-meaning intentions (or sometimes not so well meaning, but for the most part let’s assume) and sometimes it’s exhausting to have to repeat yourself.

Now I have to say, I was 100% this person in the past. I used to take it as a personal challenge to talk someone into what I wanted them to do or accept my help or whatever. I have since realized that I was an asshole, and am working on it, but it’s a hard balance to walk. I know that sometimes I want to do something but say no when asked because….I don’t know. I feel bad accepting? I feel like I should say no? I feel like doing what I want is putting the other person out? So I feel like I have to ask more than once to assure them really, I don’t mind doing it, but then I don’t want them to feel pressured.

In Chinese culture, you must offer something three times. The person you are offering to can only accept on the 3rd time, they have to turn it down the first two. This makes me think that for social animals, human beings are remarkably bad at social things.

Anyway. Saturday, after my regular lesson, I got Griffy ready to do another round of saddle walking. I planned to do exactly the same thing as last time – walk around, see what he had to say, and get on if and only if he was ready. The barn owner’s husband came up and offered to sit on him first, because he could sit anything if he were to buck or bolt. I smiled, told him no thank you, and continued to tack up. I wasn’t worried about bucking or bolting because I was going to wait until he said he was ready. It worked out that the barn owner was getting her horse ready at the same time. I won’t say there was no anxiety this time when he saw the saddle, but it was not as high and he was definitely a bit more enthusiastic at the prospect. I wanted to walk him in the pasture, away from the other horse (and with more space than the arena) but it was too wet, so into the arena we went, which honestly was probably the better choice because he could see the other horse being ridden. Sometimes that serves as a reminder – “Oh, yeah, this is a thing we do.”

I’m going to pause and point out that I am a fearful rider. It’s not my favorite quality about myself, but having come back into riding in my 40’s I just accept that it takes me longer to feel comfortable in certain situations and that’s just how it goes. So I think that everyone interpreted my strong determination to let Griffy tell me when it was time to mount, was me being afraid and reluctant to do it. And that’s a totally fair assumption on their part, but the thing is, I am not afraid of Griffy. It’s not that he’s a magical horse, he is a horse subject to do silly horse things like any other. It’s not that I think he won’t dump me, because if we were on the trail and he got startled I’d be on the ground in no time. It’s just that I trust him to tell me when he’s getting to a point where things are bad and I trust myself enough to listen.

As we were walking around the arena, barn owner offered to hold him at the mounting block while I got on. I smiled and said no thank you. She finished her warm up, and then asked if I wanted to her stand near his head while I got on. No thank you. We continued to walk. He seemed to relax much faster than before, so we went over to the mounting block and hung out there for a while. He put his head down, I scratched his belly (he loves that), I climbed up the steps. He stepped back to look at me – ok, not yet. I hopped off, we walked some more. Barn owner asked if I wanted her to get on him. No thank you. Did I want her to get on and get right back off, and then she could hold him while I got on?

NO.

THANK.

YOU.

She really wanted me to get on. I get it. She might have thought I would be disappointed. She might have thought I would be teaching him a bad habit. She probably thought I was afraid. I just wanted to go at our own pace.

We circled back to the mounting block. By this time she was on her horse. I expected him to say no again, but to my surprise he stood there quietly. I climbed up to the third step, and waited. He stood quietly. I put one foot in the stirrup and slowly put my other leg over his back…

And for the first time in 6 months I rode my horse.

I’m still so proud of both of us. Me for listening, and him for coming around, and being the best boy.