Every time I come back here I see an old entry and I’m like damn, a lot has happened and I should have written about it. Then I feel guilty that I didn’t and I don’t end up writing and the cycle repeats forever. I had that experience just now but decided fuck it, just write.

Tonight I went to try a horse named Atlas for a lease even though everyone is low-key pressuring me to buy another horse all of a sudden. I don’t want to, I want to ride the horse I actually own, but apparently no one thinks he’s going to be reliably sound in the future which sucks. It’s funny that the less sure they are, the more determined I am to make it happen, but really it’s out of everyone’s control so roll the dice and pray I guess.

Anyway back to Atlas. I chatted with the owner on Facebook and she talked about how calm and solid and well-behaved he was, she bought him for her boyfriend who doesn’t know how to ride and he’s so easy, etc. As I was leading him into the arena, he had a kind of nervous energy that led my trainer to ask “Have you ridden him in here at night?” Her hesitant “Uh…no…” was an indication of what was coming as he spooked at the mounting block when trainer got on. I walked back and owner apologized and said “She doesn’t have to ride him.” I asked her what she meant and she said “I know it’s not a fit based on his behavior, I’m so sorry.” I said “Hold on, he’s still a horse, the best horse in the world is still a horse. He didn’t do anything wrong.” She kind of laughed but I could tell she felt bad.

I was determined to ride this horse, because I felt very sure that he was not actually dangerous, and damn it, I know how to ride ! That’s what I keep telling myself after the last clinic disaster. Maybe clinics are just not for me. So I got on him and he had another minor spook (smaller than the first one) that Trainer talked me through. “You’ve been through worse on Merlin,” she pointed out, and she’s not wrong. So I managed to have a ride, we circled and even did a little sitting trot, and he was great!

If I’ll end up leasing him, I don’t know. Part of the issue is I would not feel comfortable riding him by myself just yet, and that’s kind of the whole point. But also, he’s a sweet boy who seems like he really wants a person, and I know we’d love each other, but I really don’t want to buy another horse. So then what? I love this horse and he gets sold to someone else, which would suck. And then I have two horses I love. Leasing at Valkyrie is so much easier – I like all the horses there, they are really great lesson horses, but there’s not really a bond there. Atlas reminds me of Griffy, and losing him would be hard.

I just had a random thought – when I was getting ready, I am pretty sure he was telling us he wished we would slow down. His owner had the nervous energy that’s totally understandable when showing off their horse, but it was a lot for him. I feel the same way – I can do it, but I just need to go at my own pace.